To Life

Often in my blog, I write because I am moved by something.  This year I have been moved by the beauty of life, the struggle of raising children, the joy of births, the sadness and sometimes celebration of deaths after a life well-lived and day to day living.  I write because I observe something but usually it is because I am wrought with emotion about what I have observed.  This post exemplifies that process.

Today, I attended another funeral, or as they are generally known, a Celebration of Life.  But this funeral was not for an elderly relative who lived fully and saw generations come up behind him or her.  Rather, this was the funeral of a co-worker who succumbed to a brave and ferocious battle with cancer.  She was only 46 years old; just four years older than I am now.  And while I am moved by her life and the person that she was, I am completely and utterly angry about her death.  I know that there is a plan and universe has its reasons for plucking someone from us at such an early time but it is hard for me to celebrate a life cut short. 

She was an amazing person, loved by many, never an unkind word and while I appreciated knowing her the little that I did at work, I was even more amazed by her courageous battle she raged for the last three years.  And yet, I am left with a pit of sorrow because she should have won that battle.  She did everything she could, everything she should; she followed all the instructions.  She had a positive attitude and used humor as well as all the medical treatments.  She really gave her all.  And all is what the cancer took from her. 

Not fair!!!  Not fair that her teenage son is without her, not fair that her husband who loves her so much is now a widower, not fair that her parents outlived their child.  I’m not celebrating that.  I’m incited over it.  As I was listening to the pastor telling us to turn to God, I have to admit I took comfort in the reminder that we are small in the scheme of the universe.  But as I was leaving, my sadness over the loss turned towards anger.  I celebrate the woman, but I’m not happy about losing such a soul. 

Death is such a scary and dark place to think about; when will it all end, how will it end, will it hurt, is there a heaven?  And so in the face of death, I will turn to life.  I vowed in my sad anger that I will love more fully and be more present.  I will put my iPhone down more often and listen more to my kids and husband.  I will DVR less and dance in the living room a little more.  I will take more vacation days and give myself a break about the house not being clean.  So even though I am angry that Deb was taken too young, I learned some things from her death. 

1. Take pictures of yourself with your loved ones and friends; I am often trying to not be in front of the camera because of my battles with my weight but no more  - I want people to be able to see my laughter after I’m gone
2. Live in the moment; I think anyone who is taken from us after a battle with an illness knows that life is fleeting.  We need to be present and act today; not with reckless abandon – but definitely standard-issue abandon. 
3.  Love openly and feel deeply – don’t leave room for doubt or distance.  Don’t let your loved ones question how you felt – make it known. 
4.  Be brave; in the face of life, be brave, bold and dare to dream your best dream.

After leaving the funeral, I called my husband and asked him to bring the kids for a lunch with me.  I needed to see them.  My sadness and anger about the death of this young soul was lingering over me and I needed to turn to my life and start to make the changes I just mentioned.  What I got was so much better than I had hoped for – my children ran to me with genuine happiness to see me; my husband gave me a giant smooch and told me he missed me all day.  I mean, honestly, just when I am mad at the Universe – I get a dose of love big enough to fill any void.  How can one be mad after that?

So as you can see I have run the gamut of emotion today; I wept over the loss of a truly wonderful person, I got angry at the Universe and beings higher than myself for taking a mother from her son, a wife from her husband and a daughter from her parents; I felt happiness when I gazed onto my adoring and adored family as they met me for a much needed family lunch after the funeral.  But these emotions I have felt do not make me feel tired or empty but rather I feel full of life, however fleeting, I feel full of LIFE.  Now you, my dear reader, go LIVE….